


Fellowship of the Ring:  All-Slash, All-the-Time version

by LeastExpected_Archivist



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: F/F, F/M, First Time, Humor, Incest, Interspecies, M/M, Multi, Multiple Partners, Romance, movie-based
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-02-04
Updated: 2002-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:22:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26326327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeastExpected_Archivist/pseuds/LeastExpected_Archivist
Summary: By Molly J. Ringwraith.What would happen if we took advantage of EVERY slashable moment in the film?  Something like this.
Relationships: Aragorn | Estel/Arwen Undómiel, Aragorn | Estel/Boromir (Son of Denethor II), Aragorn | Estel/Frodo Baggins, Aragorn | Estel/Legolas Greenleaf, Bilbo Baggins/Gandalf | Mithrandir, Bilbo Baggins/Gollum | Sméagol, Frodo Baggins/Boromir (Son of Denethor II), Frodo Baggins/Gandalf | Mithrandir, Frodo Baggins/Sam Gamgee, Gandalf | Mithrandir/Saruman | Curunír, Merry Brandybuck/Pippin Took
Kudos: 11
Collections: Least Expected





	Fellowship of the Ring:  All-Slash, All-the-Time version

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Amy Fortuna, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Least Expected](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Least_Expected), which has been offline since 2002. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Least Expected collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/leastexpected/profile).
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own the Tolkien characters. Alas.

DARKNESS ON SCREEN. Sound of kissing. Sound of GALADRIEL untangling her mouth, clearing her throat. 

GALADRIEL (V.O.): Ahem. The world is changing. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the--heehee! Stop tickling me! 

NAMELESS FEMALE ELF: (sultry giggle) 

GALADRIEL (V.O.): I'll deal with you _later_. As I was saying: it started with the forging of the Rings... 

SAURON's hand pours hot gold into Ring-shaped mold. MINION's hand slides over his, caressingly. SAURON slaps it away. 

GALADRIEL (V.O.): There was a great war. The Men, weak but cute, and the Elves, immortal and very hot, formed a last alliance against the forces of Mordor. 

ISILDUR cuts off Ring and destroys SAURON; in ensuing explosion many Hot Elves and Manly Men are forced to tumble to the ground in one another's protective arms. 

GALADRIEL (V.O.): But when the smoke of this fiery event cleared, the Ring escaped and, several centuries later, slid into another willing hand... 

**GOLLUM'S CAVE**

GOLLUM: Yesss, yesss, YESSS!, preciousss. 

GALADRIEL (V.O.): Yes, indeeeeed. But the Ring was not finished then. It was taken, taken by Gollum's first lover in over five hundred years... 

A young BILBO is sneaking out of GOLLUM's cave in a hurry, shuddering, tucking his shirt back in, wiping his mouth, muttering to himself. 

BILBO: Last time I kiss someone in the dark, I'll tell you that..."What's in my pocketses," indeed...say, what IS this? A ring? Oh, bother, I'll just take it home. Not going back in there, no sir... 

GALADRIEL (V.O.): And with that, I leave you to the Shire sixty years later...now come here, you... (musical Elven sounds of laughter, feminine kissing, and bra-strap snapping) 

**THE SHIRE**

FRODO is under a tree, deeply involved in a book. Perhaps TOO deeply involved. Subtitle translation of the Elvish: 'The Erotic Storie of Beren and Luthien and All of Luthien's Naughty and Beautiful Cousins. Illustrated Edition.' GANDALF's voice makes FRODO jump, throw the book under a shrub, and rearrange his clothes. 

FRODO: Hi! Gandalf! I was just--yes, reading, you know. Education. Good for a lad. Yes! Hi. Ahem. 

GANDALF: A wizard knows precisely what you were reading, Frodo Baggins. Haven't we grown curious for a hobbit? Come over here, you wicked little thing. 

FRODO flings himself into GANDALF's arms and showers kisses all over GANDALF's beard. 

FRODO: It's wonderful to see you! By the way, you've been officially labeled a disturber of the pants. 

GANDALF: That I am, dear boy, that I am. 

GANDALF pulls FRODO onto his lap. Let's end the scene there, shall we?...I can't write GANDALF slash, I just can't. 

**BAG END**

BILBO: (from inside) Go away! Don't want to see anyone! 

GANDALF: Not even very old friends? 

BILBO opens the door. 

BILBO: My dear, my darling, my most precious Gandalf! 

BILBO flings himself into GANDALF's arms, showers kisses all over GANDALF's beard. 

GANDALF: Ah, I do love visiting the Bagginses. 

GANDALF picks up BILBO, carries him into Bag End, kicks the door shut behind him. Going to have to end scene there, again. 

**BILBO'S BIRTHDAY PARTY**

FRODO: Sam, even though it's the last thing in the world I really want, would you please go dance with Rosie? 

SAM: Aw, sir, I'd rather sit and play footsie with you, if it's all the same. 

FRODO: Don't taunt me with things that can never be! Just go! 

SAM: You do get sentimental when you've been drinking, Mr. Frodo. 

FRODO: Go, I tell you! Go, you siren! 

FRODO forcibly throws SAM at ROSIE, then sits and sniffles morosely into his mug of ale. 

Meanwhile, MERRY and PIPPIN crawl out of a tent, where they've obviously been making out. 

PIPPIN: How about some fireworks, my sweet? 

MERRY: You're ready to go again so soon? 

PIPPIN: No, fireworks, literally. Look. 

MERRY and PIPPIN climb into GANDALF's wagon and shoplift a rocket. Back in the tent, they stick the rocket in the ground, then get distracted by the stars in one another's eyes. They move closer together and start kissing. Actual sparks result (static electricity perhaps), which sets off rocket. MERRY and PIPPIN scream like girls and fall on the ground. 

GANDALF: Damn you meddlesome Tooks and Brandybucks! All right, take off your shirts and start doing dishes. 

MERRY: Why do we need to take off our shirts for that? 

GANDALF: Do as I say!! 

BILBO: Today is my eleventy-first birthday! I haven't done half of you half as often as I should like, and I've done less than half of you half as well as you deserve. But don't worry; I don't have anything contagious. So, with that, goodbye! 

BILBO puts on Ring and vanishes. 

**BAG END**

FRODO: Did Bilbo leave? 

GANDALF: Yes. He'll be staying with the Elves. The place is yours. So is that Ring, which you should never ever touch, but don't worry about it right now. 

FRODO: All right. Elves, huh? I didn't know he was seeing an Elf. 

GANDALF: You know Bilbo. Full of surprises. Well! I must be off. 

FRODO: Are you going to see an old boyfriend? Tell me honestly. 

GANDALF: No. Well, yes. Don't take it personally, my dear lad, it's just... 

FRODO: It's all right, I understand. The age difference between us was a bit much. I mean, what was it, three thousand four hundred and fifty-two years..? 

GANDALF: Rub it in, why don't you. 

**BAG END, SOME MONTHS OR YEARS LATER**

FRODO leans on the windowsill, sighing. The summer night breeze ruffles his silky sable curls. SAM is hiding in the shrubbery below, unseen. He spots FRODO. 

SAM: (to himself) But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? 

FRODO: Ay, me! O, Samwise, Samwise, wherefore art thou--yikes! 

GANDALF hauls FRODO into the room from behind. 

GANDALF: WhatdidyoudowiththeRing? 

FRODO: Huh?? 

GANDALF: Is everything okay? 

FRODO: Yes. Well, no. (sigh) I've had these feelings lately... 

GANDALF: Feelings? Evil, take-over-the-world kind of feelings? 

FRODO: No, not like that. It's just...oh, why must some people be denied to us? Why do our hearts desire the one thing they cannot have? 

GANDALF: Yes, that's nice, my boy. So, that Ring, you still have it? 

FRODO: Yes, why? 

GANDALF: I've decided it's bad. Very bad. Bad enough to ruin everyone's chances of living lustfully ever after. 

FRODO: (gasp) Oh, no! 

GANDALF: Oh, yes. Pack the Ring, some clothes, some duct tape, and a two-day supply of food and water, and run. Right now would be good. 

FRODO: But, ay me, my heart... 

GANDALF: Ah, right. For that, take this vial of scented Elven massage oil, and remember, if you're going to use it, keep it secret. Keep it safe. Don't go whoring around and bragging about it like your cousin Bilbo does. 

FRODO: Excuse me, you know very well I'm a virgin. I just...enjoy a little intense groping sometimes. 

There is a squawk from the window. GANDALF reaches out and hauls SAM inside. 

GANDALF: Confound it all, Samwise Gamgee! What did you hear? 

SAM: Intense...groping... 

GANDALF: Lovely. Say, why don't you go with Frodo? Could be fun. 

FRODO: (jumps up and down) Ooh! Yes, yes, yes! 

**ISENGARD**

GANDALF: Hello, old friend. 

GANDALF hops down from his horse and gives SARUMAN a big wet kiss. 

SARUMAN: Eck. You taste like hobbit. Come in and let me fix you a drink. An Eeeeevil drink. I mean, no, just a regular drink. 

GANDALF: I could use a drink. Thanks! 

WIZARDS go inside. SARUMAN seduces GANDALF and then knocks him out and locks him on the roof, for though they once were the hottest of Wizardly lovers, SARUMAN is now Eeeeevil and is only putting out for truly gross-looking MINIONS. Come on, we all fast-forward this scene anyway. Moving on... 

**CORNFIELD IN SHIRE**

SAM: I've never been this far from home. 

FRODO: Aww. Scared? Want me to hold you? 

SAM: Could you? If you don't mind... 

FRODO and SAM step closer, staring at each other with smoldering looks. Heat waves start rippling the screen between them. As they reach out to touch, PIPPIN and MERRY come flailing out of the cornstalks and knock them over. 

FRODO: God damn you both to hell. 

PIPPIN: (wriggling on FRODO) Oh, come on, Frodo, this is fun! Admit it! 

MERRY: (wriggling on SAM) Yes; do cooperate, Sam. Hmm, no, wait. Something's wrong. Switch! 

PIPPIN and MERRY change places. MERRY wriggles on FRODO a bit; PIPPIN wriggles on SAM. 

PIPPIN: Better, but... 

MERRY: Yeah. Still wrong. Switch! 

MERRY jumps PIPPIN. FRODO rolls over and pounces on SAM. 

MERRY: Now THAT's more like it. 

FRODO: I'll say. 

PIPPIN: No time, boys! Get up! Farmer Maggot's chasing us! 

MERRY: Jeez, he wants MORE? After that whole striptease we gave him? 

SAM: I've been wondering how you two got so much spending money this summer. 

The HOBBITS run, tumble down a hill, land in a heap. MERRY pulls out a broken carrot. 

FRODO: Where were you hiding that? 

MERRY: Please believe me when I say you don't want to know. 

PIPPIN: Hey, am I the only one who's kind of turned on here? 

SAM: I'll admit to it as well. 

BLACK RIDER: Ahem. 

**HOBBITS: YIPE!**

HOBBITS run, and leap onto Bucklebury Ferry, SAM catching FRODO as he tumbles on, just in time. 

SAM: Seeing you here...lying on your back...breathing hard... 

FRODO: (fingers winding into SAM's cloak) Oh, Sam... 

PIPPIN: For heaven's sake, get a room. 

**BREE**

FRODO: Hi; do you have any rooms? 

NIGHT WATCHMAN: Prancing Pony charges by the hour, young masters; you should find plenty of business there. 

FRODO: We brought our own business, thanks very much. 

NIGHT WATCHMAN: Didn't mean no offense, young sir. Fetch a pretty penny, you lads would. 

MERRY: Would you be interested in watching a two-hobbit striptease, by any chance? Ten minutes, we get to touch you, you don't get to touch us... 

PIPPIN: Come on, Merry. 

**INN OF THE PRANCING PONY**

SAM: That man has been eyeballing you lustfully all night. 

FRODO: Hmm. He's oddly attractive for a big scruffy person. Wonder what he'd pay for a little grope? 

SAM: Mr. Frodo! 

FRODO: Sam, we must learn to use our assets if we're to survive in this cruel world. Or was it "asses"? I forget how Gandalf put it. Oh well; same difference. 

SAM: Speaking of groping...well, I was wondering...being as how I'm young and innocent...would you mind telling me a little about it? Or showing me, if that's easier. 

FRODO: Showing. Showing's good. 

FRODO hauls SAM down on the bench, but, being tipsy, falls off and manages to get the Ring on his finger. When he takes it off again, he finds he's being slung over ARAGORN's shoulder and carried upstairs. 

ARAGORN: Drawing a bit too much attention to yourself, Mr. Under-britches. 

FRODO: Oh, you're so big and strong and mean! I feel so vulnerable and helpless! Oh, help, help! 

SAM, MERRY, and PIPPIN bust in, brandishing candles and furniture. 

MERRY: Let him go or we'll sodomize you with candlesticks, Longshanks! 

PIPPIN: Though we might anyway, just because it sounds fun. 

ARAGORN: You have a stout sense of adventure, little hobbits. Come sleep in my bed tonight. 

Cue bawm-chicka-bawm-bawm music. 

**ARAGORN'S HOTEL ROOM OF LOOOOVE**

MERRY, PIPPIN, and SAM are under the covers, pretending to sleep. Apparently they moan and twist around in their "sleep" a lot. Rustling movement of bedcovers indicates that MERRY and PIPPIN are, in fact, surreptitiously teaching SAM what groping is about. SAM is a fast learner. Meanwhile, FRODO is sitting at the end of the bed, staring at ARAGORN. ARAGORN is sitting by the window, staring at FRODO. 

ARAGORN: You are quite cute. 

FRODO: You are quite big. 

ARAGORN: You a virgin? 

FRODO: Yes. 

ARAGORN: That's hot. I like virgins. 

FRODO: Are you big...all over? 

ARAGORN: Yes. 

FRODO: Can I see? 

ARAGORN starts undoing buttons slowly. FRODO licks his lips. Next door, NAZGUL scream. EVERYONE jumps and pretends they weren't doing anything just now. 

ARAGORN: Dammit. Suppose we ought to hit the road. 

**FOREST**

SAM: I think you were going a bit far last night, teasing this Strider. 

FRODO: I had no choice but to tease him. He's a friend of Gandalf's and we need his help. Besides, what were YOU doing, fondling Merry and Pippin? You think I didn't notice? 

SAM: They're old friends! That's different! You just met this fellow. 

FRODO: What do you care, anyway? You're just going to go home and marry Rosie and leave me to live out my life a virgin. 

SAM: At the rate you're flirting with every moving thing on this journey, Mr. Frodo, I don't think there's much risk of that. 

FRODO: (sob) Cruel! You're cruel! 

FRODO runs off to walk with ARAGORN. 

ARAGORN: What is the situation with you and Master Gamgee, if I may ask? 

FRODO: Oh...tragic, forbidden, mutual love. Our families would never approve so we try to keep denying it, but our hearts and our loins do not give us rest. You know how it is. 

ARAGORN: Indeed, I do. So, would your family approve if you brought home a future King of Gondor? 

FRODO: I'm sure they would. But would YOUR family approve if you brought home a weird little hobbit? 

ARAGORN: Hmm. I begin to see your point. Verily, most of the affairs in this tale are a bad idea from the start. 

**WEATHERTOP**

FRODO is sleeping. MERRY, PIPPIN, and SAM are taking turns saying "Tig" and groping FRODO to see how far they can get before he wakes up. 

SAM: Tig. 

FRODO: (eyes closed) Mmm, yes...right there... 

BLACK RIDERS: Ahem. 

HOBBITS: Eeeeek!! 

General chaos and pathetic attempts on HOBBITS' part to defend themselves. FRODO gets up for a nanosecond, but then falls onto his back again, as this seems to be the position that feels most natural to him. 

NAZGUL: Preeeeetty Ring...preeeeetty hobbit... 

NAZGUL reaches down to caress FRODO's shapely fingers. 

FRODO: No! I mustn't! I don't deny I'm curious, but this is weird; I don't even know you! 

NAZGUL: Teeeease. 

NAZGUL stabs FRODO. ARAGORN leaps into the fray, all ERROL FLYNN, driving away NAZGUL in very heroic (but not exactly timely) fashion. SAM rushes to FRODO's side. 

SAM: Oh Frodo...seeing you here, lying on your back, breathing hard... 

FRODO: (wheeze)...Dj^... (gasp)...vu. 

**PLACE IN FOREST WITH STONE TROLLS**

ARAGORN: Let me show you how to slow the poison, Sam. 

ARAGORN unbuttons FRODO's shirt, exposing his perfect marble-white chest, heartbreakingly marred by a stab wound. ARAGORN chews up some athelas leaves, takes the mush out of his mouth, and begins tonguing FRODO's nipple slowly. 

SAM: Aye, I see now. Let me try it. 

SAM bends down over the other nipple and starts lapping at it, without bothering to chew up any athelas first. 

FRODO: ...(wheeze)... 

ARWEN: What's this? A Ranger caught in an orgy by his fiancee? 

ARAGORN: Arwen! Hi! Gosh. This IS a surprise. Um, have you met Sam and Frodo? No, of course you haven't. Well, long story short... 

ARWEN: We'll talk LATER, dear. 

ARWEN kidnaps FRODO and takes him to RIVENDELL. 

**RIVENDELL**

FRODO wakes up in a large, cushy, fluffy bed; he is wearing a charmingly oversized white nightshirt that keeps slipping off his bare shoulders, revealing flashes of fair skin and occasionally the very sacred and alluring Nipple of Rivendell. (Oh, like you've never paused the DVD right there.) GANDALF is sitting beside the bed, enjoying the scene. 

FRODO: Gandalf! Where have you been? Get tied up by the old boyfriend? 

GANDALF: Errmm, yes; yes, you could say that. Didn't work out, let's put it that way. 

ELROND walks in and sits down in GANDALF's lap. 

ELROND: Welcome to Rivendell, Mister Baggins. 

FRODO: Thanks. 

SAM bursts through the door, sees that FRODO is awake, sprints across the room, and leaps onto the bed. He begins kissing FRODO's hands repeatedly. 

SAM: Oh, Frodo, dearest, dearest, sweetest, darling, you're awake! 

FRODO: (seizing SAM's hands and kissing them back) Oh, Sam! 

SAM: (kissing FRODO's neck and shoulders madly) To think you and I could've died virgins... 

FRODO: (clinging to SAM's neck, pulling him down to the pillows) I know; we've been such fools...worrying only about what our families would think...denying our true feelings... 

SAM: (scooting into horizontal position, kicking blankets out of the way) I'll never get angry at you again for being curious about Strider, I promise; just stay with me forever, dearest, wonderfulest, beautifulest... 

ELROND: Umm, would you like us to leave? 

FRODO and SAM are now kissing and tugging off their clothes. They do not bother to answer. 

ELROND: Well. Gandalf. Let's go talk about the...Ring...or something. 

**OUT ON THE VERANDAH IN RIVENDELL**

FRODO, radiant with afterglow (or is that just CGI?), gives hugs and kisses to MERRY, PIPPIN, and BILBO. He then strolls aside with SAM to a strikingly romantic verandah where flower petals and golden leaves are fluttering down upon them. 

SAM: After what happened in there, will you still respect me when we go back home, sir? 

FRODO: Of course, my pet. But, home, so soon? I thought you wanted to kiss an Elf. More than anything. 

SAM: I do. I did. But...well, none of 'em have quite caught my fancy, and anyway, what you showed me in there about Elven massage oil, that's good enough for any hobbit's lifetime. 

FRODO: You're right, Sam. We did what Gandalf wanted. Let's leave the Ring here and go home. 

**BALCONY OVERLOOKING THE VERANDAH**

ELROND: His strength returns. 

GANDALF: I'll say. We could hear him three rooms away. 

ELROND: By the way, the Ring cannot stay here. 

GANDALF: Aww. Please? 

ELROND: No. 

GANDALF: You can have Strider. 

ELROND: He's my son! 

GANDALF: Not by blood. 

ELROND: Hm, true. But, no, sorry. No way. 

GANDALF: Well, damn. 

**FRONT YARD, RIVENDELL**

The HOBBITS are sitting on the steps, watching as people arrive: BOROMIR rides up, broad-chested and manly. (PIPPIN and MERRY giggle in appreciation.) GIMLI and other DWARVES arrive, lecherously winking at HOBBITS. Then a golden glow begins to spread. The moment stretches into slow motion. LEGOLAS, the Lay of Mirkwood, enters. He reins in his horse, glides down to the ground, flips his satin-smooth blond hair over his shoulder, and turns with a mysterious and luscious smile to face everyone, revealing that he is, indeed, so gorgeous it is neither fair nor funny. Mouths fall open all around. 

SAM: Oh... 

PIPPIN: My... 

MERRY: God. 

FRODO: Dibs! 

ARAGORN: Sorry, fellows. 

ARAGORN strolls suavely to LEGOLAS and twines his arm around LEGOLAS's willowy waist. 

ARAGORN: This archer's spoken for. Good to see you, babe. 

LEGOLAS: How's my widdle fuzzy Rangerkins? 

LEGOLAS and ARAGORN kiss, on the mouth. With some tongue. 

MERRY: Cripes. 

PIPPIN: Lucky bastard. 

Suddenly LEGOLAS pulls away and slaps ARAGORN so hard that he knocks him to the ground. 

LEGOLAS: That's for getting engaged, you filthy miserable whore. 

LEGOLAS trounces off. 

ARAGORN: ...ow... 

FRODO leaps to his feet, pulling SAM with him. 

FRODO: Er, come on, Sam! We better go make sure that nice young Elf fellow is all right. 

SAM: Yes, yes sir, good idea. 

MERRY and PIPPIN jump up too. 

MERRY: Wait for us! Maybe a two-hobbit striptease would make him feel better. 

**RIVENDELL, BRIDGE**

ARAGORN is taking solace from his woes by feeling up ARWEN, who is giving him cheap jewelry. 

SLASHERS IN AUDIENCE: Eww. He's kissing a GIRL. I hate this scene. Go back to the all-boys club. 

Sounds like a plan. 

**COUNCIL OF ELROND**

BOROMIR: Hey, everyone, I have a brilliant idea. We can use the Ring for our side! 

ARAGORN: That isn't a brilliant idea. It's a stupid idea. 

BOROMIR: And what would you know about it, Mister I'm-Such-a-High-and-Mighty-Good-Looking-Ranger-I-Won't-Even-Tell-Anyone-My-Name? 

LEGOLAS leaps to his feet. 

LEGOLAS: Listen, you. He may be a filthy miserable whore, but he's MY filthy miserable whore, and he's YOUR future king, so watch your ass! 

ARAGORN: (in Elvish) Oh, Leggy, sweetheart...you do love me. 

ELROND: Er, just a reminder, Aragorn: most of us here do speak Elvish. 

GANDALF: Look, Aragorn is right. We cannot control the Ring. Also, Legolas is right; Aragorn is a whore. But that's not the issue. The Ring must be destroyed. 

GIMLI: Enough talk! There are people here I want to start flirting with. 

GIMLI tries to axe the Ring, and gets knocked to the ground. He lands between some Elven ankles. 

GIMLI: Oooh...I can see up your robe! 

ELROND: This is ridiculous. One of you, just take this thing out of here, and go. 

Council breaks into chirping chorus of "Not it" all around. 

FRODO, exasperated, gets up from his chair. 

FRODO: I will take it! 

EVERYONE goes quiet and stares at him. 

FRODO: Though...I do not know the way. I mean, I'd never found my way past third base till just this morning. 

GANDALF: I will help you get to Mordor. I'll help you get past third base, too, if you ever forget how. 

ARAGORN: You darling little thing, I'll come along and protect you. 

ARAGORN gets on his knees so he can kiss FRODO on both cheeks and the mouth. Just as a formality, of course. 

ARAGORN: You have my tongue. 

LEGOLAS: And my Cupid's-bow lips. 

GIMLI: And my ass! 

FRODO begins looking alarmed. 

BOROMIR: If you're good enough for Aragorn's tongue, you are good enough for mine, little one. 

SAM shoves his way in, putting a protective hand in front of FRODO's trousers. 

SAM: Here! Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me. And certainly not past third base. 

ELROND: Indeed, it is hardly possible to separate you two, even with a crowbar. 

MERRY and PIPPIN fall out of the trees, half-dressed. 

PIPPIN: We're coming too! 

MERRY: You'd have to tie us to a bedpost with silk ribbons to keep us away. Which, I might add, any of you nice gentlemen are welcome to do. 

**BILBO'S ROOM**

BILBO unfolds a sparkly vest from the Victoria's Secret Diamond Collection. 

BILBO: Here, my boy. Let's see you put on this pretty thing. 

FRODO starts unbuttoning his shirt, doing the final dance from 'The Full Monty'. When he gets to the tear-away Velcro-pants move, BILBO gets a little over-excited and tries to stuff money into the Ring. 

FRODO: Riiiight, okay, you know what? We're related and this is probably wrong. Even though it IS an extremely slashable moment. 

BILBO: I'm sorry I brought this on you, my boy. Sending you out into the wilderness with eight other men, all of them lusting after you... 

FRODO: Oh, trust me, there is NO NEED to apologize for that. 

**ON A MOUNTAINSIDE**

MERRY and PIPPIN tackle BOROMIR while ostensibly practicing their swordfighting skills. BOROMIR laughs and tousles their silky hair. 

MERRY: Think you're so big and powerful, huh? 

PIPPIN: Think you can take on both of us, huh? 

MERRY: Will you? 

PIPPIN: Please? 

LEGOLAS: Quick, everyone! Spies! Get under the bushes! 

The FELLOWSHIP happily rolls under the shrubs, in various pairings and trios. Fifteen minutes later, the crow-spies long gone, our lads begin emerging again, smoothing their hair and patting down their clothes. 

GANDALF: Well. Now that my old boyfriend knows what we're up to, I anticipate he will be very jealous. We will have to go up into the snow. 

MERRY: If you think that's going to have the effect of a cold shower, think again. 

**CARADHRAS**

FRODO slips in the snow and rolls down. ARAGORN catches him. FRODO pats all his pockets rapidly. 

FRODO: Hmm...the Ring, where is it? (placing his hands on ARAGORN's thighs) Is it here? 

ARAGORN: Not sure. Keep looking. 

FRODO: (hands wandering) Here, maybe? Gosh, where IS that thing? 

ARAGORN: Little to the left... 

FRODO: Here? How about under here? 

BOROMIR: Looking for this? 

BOROMIR is swinging the Ring in front of his crotch. FRODO leaps out and grabs it, accidentally groping BOROMIR in the process. 

BOROMIR: Not so small a thing, eh? Not such a little thing. 

ARAGORN: Go away. You got Merry and Pippin; I got Frodo, Sam, and Legolas; that was the deal. 

**HIGHER UP ON CARADHRAS, BLIZZARD CONDITIONS**

BOROMIR is cuddling MERRY and PIPPIN. ARAGORN is cuddling FRODO and SAM. GIMLI is hidden somewhere under the snow, doing we do not want to know what. LEGOLAS is walking on top of the snow, giving everyone ample opportunities to look up his tunic. Combined, the FELLOWSHIP is doing more than enough to make the surrounding snow melt, but it is still falling in avalanche quantities. 

GANDALF: We are clearly not going to get anything accomplished this way. 

FRODO: You're right; this isn't safe. Think of the frostbite possibilities. Let's go through the mines. 

**WALLS OF MORIA**

GANDALF: (studying inscriptions above door) Hrmm. Now, I can remember how to say "Are you eighteen?" in Old Elvish; I can remember how to say "Saucy wench" and "Rent-boy" and "Do me, Rohan horse-lord," but why the devil can't I remember the password into Moria? 

Meanwhile, FRODO decides to try his luck with LEGOLAS. 

FRODO: So, how are you this evening? Journey treating you all right? 

LEGOLAS nods. 

FRODO: You know, they say I might have a little Elvish in me. I'd like to have a little more, though. Ha ha...that's just a joke. 

LEGOLAS tilts his head, watching FRODO patiently. 

FRODO: Whoo, tough crowd. Well, what do you say - can you and I be "mellon"? 

The doors of Moria swing open. Everyone is startled. 

GANDALF: Nice work, Frodo! 

FRODO: Er...thanks. 

Just then, a tentacle grabs FRODO by the leg and dangles him in the air. SAM, BOROMIR, and ARAGORN go into chopping frenzy. LEGOLAS fires an arrow. Tentacle drops FRODO directly into BOROMIR's arms. 

BOROMIR: Hello, stranger. 

Creature is still waving tentacles at them, so EVERYONE runs into the mines. The doors crumble. Complete darkness falls. Sound of heavy breathing all around. 

FRODO: Er...Boromir? I'm not hurt; you don't have to feel me there. 

BOROMIR: I thought you were feeling ME. 

PIPPIN: Whose hand was that? 

GIMLI: Someone's ass just brushed me. 

SAM: I smell Elf shampoo. 

LEGOLAS: I can't imagine why. 

ARAGORN: Whoa. That tongue definitely didn't belong to a hobbit or a dwarf. 

MERRY: Is this the hilt of someone's sword, or what exactly? 

A light suddenly flares in the room: GANDALF's staff. The FELLOWSHIP quickly stops playing Twister-In-The-Dark. 

GANDALF: Obviously there are fouler and kinkier things than orcs in the dark places of the world. 

**MORIA**

PIPPIN slips on a steep staircase, and MERRY catches him by a well-placed hand to the ass. (I need to invent nothing here; that actually happens.) 

The FELLOWSHIP's romantic overtures in the shadows are interrupted by the need to fight stuff; for instance, goblins and a cave troll. FRODO gets knocked down and ends up on his back for about the tenth time, with SAM and ARAGORN once again kneeling over him. ARAGORN attempts a little mouth-to-mouth. FRODO coughs. 

FRODO: I'm all right, I don't need resuscitation. 

ARAGORN: You should be dead. Be quiet and let me revive you. 

GANDALF: I think this hobbit should take off his shirt. 

The FELLOWSHIP murmurs their agreement. FRODO exposes his sparkly undergarments, and is promptly groped on the chest by SAM. 

SAM: Oh, Mr. Frodo..."hard as dragon scales" is right. 

FRODO: Oh, Sam... 

GIMLI: I want to touch it. 

BOROMIR: Me too. 

The FELLOWSHIP crowds around, but then more Orcs pour through the door. FELLOWSHIP follows example of Brave Sir Robin ("Run away! Run away!"). 

**GREATER BRIDGE-OF-KHAZAD-DUM AREA**

LEGOLAS spends some time doing Hot Arrow Action. Probably this is why BOROMIR contrives to almost fall off a precipice, forcing LEGOLAS to clasp him against his chest and tumble to the floor with him. When BOROMIR flips over and tries to fondle the Elven ass, LEGOLAS squirms away. 

GANDALF: Lead them on, Aragorn! 

MERRY: Aragorn leads everyone on. 

BOROMIR: So does Legolas. Now, come to Daddy, hon... 

BOROMIR chases LEGOLAS down a crumbling stone staircase. LEGOLAS leaps across the gap like a gazelle. 

LEGOLAS: Ha! Try to catch me now, David Cop-a-Feel. 

BOROMIR grabs the two nearest hobbits and jumps across. 

BOROMIR: Hi! 

LEGOLAS: Damn. 

ARAGORN: I'll save you, Legolas! Here, wait, take this. 

ARAGORN throws SAM across. The staircase tilts. ARAGORN grabs FRODO and holds him against his groin. 

ARAGORN: Lean this way, my lad. A little more...there...good... 

The staircase crashes forward. ARAGORN falls into LEGOLAS's waiting arms. Given where FRODO was standing, his face should land in the vicinity of LEGOLAS's crotch. Maybe this is why LEGOLAS actually smiles for a moment there. 

FELLOWSHIP runs across the bridge. BALROG rears up behind them, seductively uncurling a fire-whip. GANDALF turns around, sees the whip, and goes all weak in the knees. 

GANDALF: Oh, BAY-bee. Finally, a lover who can live up to the greatness that is me. 

FRODO: Gandalf, no! You don't want that kind of loving! 

GANDALF: I'll catch up with you boys later. So long! 

GANDALF leaps on the BALROG, and they hurtle down into the abyss in a fiery embrace. 

**OUTSIDE MORIA**

FELLOWSHIP in shock. 

GIMLI: Really. Frodo was right. Gandalf does not want that kind of loving. 

BOROMIR: It's all right, little man. I'll hold you. 

MERRY: Pippin, you look pale. Maybe you'd feel better if you put your head in my lap. 

LEGOLAS: Can I stroke your hair, good hobbits? I would find it comforting... 

PIPPIN: Hell, yes. 

PIPPIN and MERRY seize LEGOLAS's arm and pull him down into their heap of snuggliness. 

ARAGORN: On your feet, Sam; it's hard to cuddle you when you're sitting down there. 

SAM: Yes, sir. 

SAM stands and is enfolded in ARAGORN's masculine arms. 

ARAGORN: There, that's all better, huh? (nuzzling SAM's hair) Mmm...you smell like Frodo. 

SAM: Probably because I'm hot-glued to him most of the time. 

ARAGORN: Hey, what do you say we make it three? Frodo! Come on over here. Group hug. 

FRODO: You're all a bit weird. I just want that on record. 

**LOTHLORIEN**

HALDIR and other androgynously attractive blond Elves surround the FELLOWSHIP. 

HALDIR: The dwarf breathes so loud we thought you were up to something kinky. 

GIMLI: Wow. It does not get campier than you, does it? 

ARAGORN: Which is good - campy is good. We like it. In fact...Haldir of Lorien, will you have dinner with me tonight? 

BOROMIR: (sulking) I was gonna ask him. 

LEGOLAS: (in Sindarin) Hey. Psst. Haldir. I have tickets to the midnight sneak preview of 'The Two Towers'; want to go? 

PIPPIN: Good Elven sir, could we interest you in a two-hobbit strip- 

HALDIR: SHUT UP, all of you. Galadriel is waiting. 

They are taken to meet CELEBORN and GALADRIEL. 

GALADRIEL: You are weary with toying with each other, but tonight you shall have amazing stamina and shall afterwards sleep in peace. 

GALADRIEL: (as whispery voice in FRODO's head) Frodo of the Shire...did you by chance bring any lovely ladies with you? 

FRODO: (whispery telepathy voice back) No. Sorry. But we did bring Legolas. 

GALADRIEL: (whispery telepathy voice) I have been there and done that. Thank you anyway. Oh, also: you are aware that half the Fellowship is lusting after you? 

FRODO: (whispery telepathy voice) Only half? I'm insulted. 

**LUSCIOUS LOTHLORIEN SOUND-SET WITH GREEN TURF AND GLOWING SILVER TREES**

BOROMIR is lounging on the ground next to ARAGORN, who is chewing on a blade of grass. BOROMIR leans over and takes the grass from ARAGORN's mouth with his teeth. ARAGORN smiles, clearly intrigued by his impetuous, bold, muscular companion. 

BOROMIR: Ever seen the White Tower of Ecthelion? 

ARAGORN: Nuh-uh. 

BOROMIR: Would you like to? 

ARAGORN: So they're still using that line in Minas Tirith, huh? 

BOROMIR: I'm serious, baby. This tower's all yours. 

ARAGORN: Ah, what the hell. 

ARAGORN opens his arms to BOROMIR. Their furry faces scraping against one another in a passionate kiss, they roll over on the turf with a clang of hidden weaponry. 

**MIRROR OF GALADRIEL**

FRODO is leaning over the basin, looking at the prophetic vision: couplings beyond his imagination are flashing wildly through the water. 

FRODO: Oh, my God! I hadn't ever done the math before, but even with Gandalf gone and only eight of us left, that's, what, eight times eight, so, sixty-four possible pairings?? That's exhausting! I'll die of fatigue! 

GALADRIEL: Well, no, because the sixty-four counts both Aragorn-Frodo and Frodo-Aragorn, say, which is really the same thing. 

FRODO: True. So if everyone's counted twice, then really it's only...thirty-two pairings, but still! Thirty-two! 

GALADRIEL: No...that would also count Frodo-Frodo, and you cannot be in a pairing with yourself. 

FRODO: You underestimate me, my lady. 

GALADRIEL: Hm, perhaps. But thirty-two is too low after all. It is not only the eight of you: think of all the other people you may encounter along the way. Each of them adds another exponent to the formula. And what if they were to sleep with one another? And what about the possibilities of threesomes? 

FRODO: Aaaghh! The math! I can't take it! 

FRODO tumbles onto his back. Just out of habit. 

GALADRIEL: Then you know what you must do. 

FRODO: Yes, it's just...I'm afraid to do it. I mean...won't Aragorn and Boromir and everyone else be driven to suicide if I reject them? 

GALADRIEL: You think a bit highly of yourself, Frodo Baggins. 

**ISENGARD**

SARUMAN addresses the URUK-HAI army. 

SARUMAN: Hunt them down. Fondle them. Squeeze them. Grope them. Lick them. Squick them. Taste their man-flesh! One of the halflings carries something of great value. Do not lick that one. Bring them to me un-slobbered-upon. Strip the others and bring me their underwear! ..."Why?" What do you mean "why"? I'm curious what they wear under there. Aren't you? 

(We are indeed, sir. We are indeed.) 

**BANK OF GREAT RIVER**

The FELLOWSHIP drags themselves on shore, looking exhausted. 

ARAGORN: After what you and Legolas were doing in that boat, sir dwarf, perhaps you should rest and recover your strength. 

GIMLI: Recover my - ! Pay no heed to that, young hobbits. I'm ready for new companions, ones my own size, if you're willing. 

PIPPIN: Sounds great! What do you know about carrots? 

LEGOLAS takes ARAGORN aside. 

LEGOLAS: We should leave now. 

ARAGORN: Aww, worried that the hobbits are going to steal your precious Gimli? 

LEGOLAS: It is not my precious Gimli that worries me. A nostalgic longing for you has been growing in my mind. I fear what I may do if left in the woods alone with you. A serious threat of hot sex draws near. I can feel it. 

ARAGORN starts caressing LEGOLAS's shoulder. (He really does. Ever noticed that?) He tickles LEGOLAS's neck with his nose, then presses his mouth to LEGOLAS's ear. 

ARAGORN: (long string of muttered Sindarin, unsubtitled, but recognizable by geeky Tolkien scholars as a suggestion of things one can do with candle wax, chocolate pudding, and twine) 

LEGOLAS: (fluttery moan) 

MERRY: Where's Frodo? 

ARAGORN: Who?...Oh. Him. That's right, I swore to protect him, didn't I? Hell. 

ARAGORN grabs LEGOLAS, pulls him behind a tree, tongues him for a few seconds, then runs off to look for FRODO. 

Meanwhile, BOROMIR encounters FRODO in the forest. 

BOROMIR: Finally, a moment to ourselves, eh, sweet-cheeks? 

FRODO politely tries to run away. BOROMIR catches him by the ankle and flips him onto his back. 

BOROMIR: You like this position, right? 

FRODO: No! I mean, yes, I do, but there's a serious warning in my heart right now! 

BOROMIR: How about your pants? What's going on there? 

FRODO: Don't touch them! 

BOROMIR: What chance do you think you have? Think you're really going to go home to the Shire and live in sin openly with Samwise? Yeah, right. Or do you think maybe you'll become Aragorn's favorite bedroom attendant once he becomes King? Legolas already called that position, kiddo. So come on. I'm your buddy. Give it to me. 

FRODO: No! 

FRODO puts on the Ring, and runs off. 

BOROMIR: Frodo! I'm sorry. I should've said "Please." PLEASE give me some sugar?...Frodo?... 

FRODO finds himself in a grassy clearing on the hilltop. ARAGORN arrives. 

ARAGORN: Frodo? Darling? 

FRODO: Stay back! Boromir tried to rape me and how do I know you won't too? 

ARAGORN: Because you actually want me, so it wouldn't be rape; it would be consensual. 

FRODO: (depressed) Yeah. I know. 

ARAGORN kneels down in front of FRODO. 

ARAGORN: You're leaving me, aren't you? 

FRODO: I have to. It's torture. You have your Arwen, and your Legolas, and your Boromir, and your everyone else... 

ARAGORN: And you have your Samwise. 

FRODO: I think I'll have to leave him behind, too. We're in the honeymoon stage of the relationship; we'd never get to Mordor. We'd be stopping every twenty minutes for sex. No, it's too risky. Tell him I'm sorry, and I'll come back when I can, and that he isn't allowed to get married until he sees my cold dead corpse with his own eyes. 

ARAGORN: So this is...goodbye? 

FRODO: (lower lip quivering) Oh, Aragorn! 

FRODO throws his arms around ARAGORN and kisses him feverishly. ARAGORN eases him down into the soft grass (on his back, of course) and lies on top of him. 

ARAGORN: (still kissing him) My beautiful little Frodo...I know I'm very big and heavy compared to you, so let me know if you can't breathe, all right?... 

FRODO: ...(squeak)... 

ARAGORN: Okay; sorry. Let's try it this way... 

ARAGORN slides down FRODO's front until his face is at waist level. 

FRODO: (writhing with anticipation) Oh, yes...oh, God...yes... 

ARAGORN: Umm. Is it...normal...to glow blue like that? 

FRODO: What? 

FRODO sits up and looks down: Sting is glowing. (Whoa! How did I get this far without making any "Sting" jokes? Talk about a lost opportunity. "Excuse me, Strider, will you teach me how to handle STING? You know, my WEAPON?" "Indeed, Cute Master Hobbit, will you pull out STING for me? I am ever so curious to see it." "Mr. Frodo, I sure would like to touch STING, if you'll let me." "Sam, dear, step behind this pillar with me and I'll let you play with STING all you like. In fact, I'd like to STING you all afternoon if you have the time." Whew. Okay, I feel better now.) 

FRODO: Aw, fuck. 

ARAGORN: Orcs! Run! 

ARAGORN goes about kicking ORC ass. FRODO runs down the hill, falls for no apparent reason, and slides on his back under a tree. He lands within reach of MERRY and PIPPIN, who are once again doing some knicker-diving in the bushes. 

MERRY: Perfect timing! Come here, you. 

MERRY and PIPPIN pull FRODO over and start kissing and massaging him. 

FRODO: Mmm...oh, no, I can't...mm, that feels nice...no! Stop...don't...don't stop...I mean, no! I mustn't! I'm leaving. 

FRODO shoves his clothes back into place, and skedaddles. 

PIPPIN: Hmph. That Nazgul was right. He IS a tease. 

MERRY: Let's go see if Boromir's interested. 

PIPPIN: Sounds like someone's blowing the Horn of Gondor. 

MERRY: I am bravely resisting comment. 

ORCS suddenly appear. MERRY and PIPPIN scream like girls and run. 

URUK-HAI: Lick the halflings! 

MERRY: Oh dear. 

MERRY and PIPPIN start backing up as the URUK-HAI advance on them. 

PIPPIN: Say...uh...you fellows look like a friendly lot. Listen...my companion here and I can do a very sexy dance, if you'd just give us a moment to - eek! 

URUK-HAI seize PIPPIN and MERRY and carry them off. ARAGORN runs in, and straddles BOROMIR, who is lying on the ground, riddled with arrows. 

ARAGORN: Stay still. 

BOROMIR: Well, I wasn't planning on getting up anytime soon. Where is Frodo? 

ARAGORN: I let Frodo go, with nothing but a short make-out session. 

BOROMIR: Then you did what I could not. I envy you. 

ARAGORN: You're a good roll in the hay, Boromir. I will always remember you so. 

BOROMIR: One last kiss? 

ARAGORN: Of course. 

ARAGORN kisses BOROMIR. LEGOLAS and GIMLI run up. 

LEGOLAS: Hey! What's going on here?...oh. Sorry. Didn't realize it was a funereal kind of kiss. Carry on. 

**GREAT RIVER**

FRODO, sniffling and whimpering, gets into a boat and paddles out into the water. SAM crashes out of the forest and throws himself into the river. 

SAM: Frodo! Mr. Frodo! Oh, I knew you'd leave me if I went all the way with you; my Gaffer warned me about saving myself till marriage! (sob) 

FRODO: That isn't why I'm leaving. Go back, you idiot. 

SAM: No! I'm coming with you! 

FRODO: Look, I like watching you get all wet, I won't deny it, but if memory serves, you can't swim, so really it would be...Sam? Sam! 

SAM sinks like an anchor. FRODO goes back, reaches into the water, and pulls him into the boat. SAM collapses weakly against FRODO's chest, coughing and choking pitifully. FRODO holds him close. 

FRODO: Oh, Sam...your devotion is so sweet...and you look so good with your shirt soaked and clinging to you...and indeed we really must get you out of your wet clothes...and I'm thinking how nice it would be to lick all the water from your lips...oh... 

FRODO pulls SAM down into the bottom of the boat, kissing him. SAM complies for a few seconds, then stops him. 

SAM: I made a promise with myself, Mr. Frodo. A promise. I'll be the one on my back this time. And I mean to stick to that. 

FRODO: Oh, Sam!...come on, then. 

They flip over so SAM is on his back, and resume kissing. 

SAM: Mr. Frodo...going to go over that edge... 

FRODO: I know, my love, I know...me too... 

SAM: No, sir, the edge! The waterfall! 

FRODO: Oh. OH! Eeeek! Get up, get up! Start paddling! 

**BANK OF GREAT RIVER**

LEGOLAS is bouncing like a puppy from the shore to the boats, back and forth. ARAGORN is gazing into the distance moodily. 

LEGOLAS: Aragorn, come on come on come on. If we hurry we can watch Sam and Frodo AND do it at the same time ourselves. Would that not turn you on? 

ARAGORN: Frodo and Sam's sex lives are no longer within our reach. 

GIMLI: Then this was all in vain. All that teasing came to nothing. 

ARAGORN: Not as long as we remain attractive to each other. 

ARAGORN puts one hand on LEGOLAS's shoulder and one on GIMLI's, and squeezes meaningfully. LEGOLAS and GIMLI slowly add their arms to the group hug. A gorgeously mischievous smile unfurls on LEGOLAS's lips as he checks out his companions. GIMLI grins. 

**GIMLI: YES!!**

The three join hands, and go skipping off together into the forest. 

**EMYN MUIL**

FRODO, arm around SAM's shoulders, stands on a hilltop, checking out Mordor. 

FRODO: I hope the others are having a good time tonight. 

SAM: Strider'll see to that. 

FRODO: I don't suppose we'll ever grope them again. 

SAM: We may yet, Mr. Frodo. We may. 

FRODO: Sam. I'm glad you're with me. 

FRODO turns, caresses SAM's face, and starts kissing him. Their arms clasp tight around each other as they sink to the ground, making out against a beautiful sunset. Mount Doom erupts suggestively in the background.


End file.
